i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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