We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
