I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
