im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so much tequila, so little girl.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
