i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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