Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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