when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
