You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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