stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
