You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
