I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
