tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
