And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize