i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
