I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
