Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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