I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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