I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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