My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
