I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
