im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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