You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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