You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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