I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
