If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
