My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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