you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
