my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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