Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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