I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize