Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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