Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
