he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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