you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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