i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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