can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
