I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
