The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
