Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
two words...techno handjob
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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