I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
