More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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