I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
