Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
