I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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