Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
