i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize