My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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