i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
