I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
