You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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