the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
