The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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