Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Two words: blizzard sex
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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