please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let's get the cat blown out
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
