not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
