My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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