She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
